December 19, 2008

I've been thinking a lot about life and what purpose we each have.

Why we are given the trials that we are and what we have to do to overcome those trials.

I was used to being in control.

Scratch that.

I was used to the false sense of being in control that I formerly clung to.

But that sense of control I used to need was ripped from me recently.

It was drastically difficult for me.

And I liked to think I could control things (My clean house, my son's schedule, my husband's behavior...) by keeping such a tight grip on them that there was no way to go but my way.

It wasn't until recent circumstances prevented me from keeping my grip on things that I have really learned to lean on God and try to let go.

It isn't my grip on things that keeps my life chugging along so nicely.

In fact, it was at my own hands that the life was being drained from my own marriage.

It is God's grip on us, whether we choose to believe in Him or not, that is the only true grip.

My grip was just an illusion.

I am beginning to strive to speak nicely to him even when he is not doing the same.

I seek to respect him even if he is not acting respectable.

After all, I enjoy being loved even when I am unlovable.

And God always loves us even when we are unlovable.

What if marriage were meant to make us holy and not (simply) happy?

What if by striving to honor him even when he hasn't earned that from me, I then am able to be more like Jesus?

We get so much from God that we do not earn.

Submit is not a word that is in my everyday vocabulary and I know it can rub me the wrong way most of the time.

But I cannot deny that the Bible freely uses the word submit when referring to marriage.

Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

I won't get into how I feel about that.

God has gone from whispering in my ear and tapping me on my shoulder to gently shaking me with both hands and speaking directly in my face:

"Don't try to demand your way!"

Stop fabricating rules that everyone must follow before you'll let yourself be happy.

Just relax.

Just be.

Just serve me.

Another person can never make you ultimately happy, anyway.

Okay, God. If You say so.

I am surrendering my need to be fulfilled by another human being.

How do I feel about that?

Give me a few weeks.

Forsake myself and my desires, follow God.

Life is still most certainly not perfect.

I am not always happy.

But I am coming to learn that that is okay.

Some days more than others....