December 2, 2008

Yesterday was so hard.

After counseling he came and took some furniture out of the house to bring to his apartment.

It was so hard.

The entire time I saw him yesterday we fought about furniture.

How stupid to fight about furniture.

Why was it such a big deal to me?

Why did I fight so much about it?

I felt like he was leaving me behind....again.

I felt like he was just picking up his half of our lives and leaving with it.

I know it was just some stupid furniture, but if felt like more.

He didn't understand. He never understands these days.

I couldn't stop crying and he didn't even care. He never tried to understand.

He left because he can't stand to be around me.

He used to care when I was upset or angry. He used to be the person that helped make my world better.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding when he stopped being that person.

When he stopped being on my side.

He just doesn't care.

I hate fighting with him.

I hate that we are in this cycle of hurting each other.

Why do we do that?

I am well aware of what I am doing, so why do I continue??

I feel like part of me is just trying to protect myself, protect my heart.

My heart is broken. But somehow it seems as though it might be better if he hurts more than I do.

That doesn't even make sense.

Why do I want the person I love to hurt??

I really don't, but I really want him to stop hurting me.

I am trying to be a better person.

Maybe this is my trial through God to making me that better person.

I get angry over stupid things.

I get jealous over things that don't matter.

I hold grudges when people hurt me.

Why?

Why do I waste my time and energy on these things??

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Why does God bring trouble to our lives?

Perhaps there is a bigger purpose than I can see.

I can't see it at this time, and maybe I will never see it.

That doesn't mean it isn't there.

God has one request.

"Bring it to Him"

Everytime anger rises in your chest.
Everytime you feel like nobody hears you.
Everytime you think it isn't fair.
Everytime you think it isn't true.
Everytime you can't think at all.

"Bring it to Him and he will make an alter for your suffering."