November 1-20

I feel God's signs of his presence in my life everyday.

When I was in church a few weeks ago I remember holding my smiling, happy son in my arms as he flashed his gummy smile to every person he saw, cooing and babbling, all the while I was hiding behind him, fighting back tears of loneliness and sadness.



I hide those feelings as best I can because I have to be strong for my son.

He depends on me for everything and I am determined to give him everything two parents would give him...except I'm only one. Its hard to be only one.

My grandpa died 17 years ago.

I was 9 years old.

He was my favorite grandpa. My "funny" grandpa.

I had a hard time understand his death and the permanence of it at such a young age.

I remember feeling sad.

I remember being at my grandparents house and he wasn't there.

I remember everyone crying and how sad everyone was.

I remember not liking it.

I remember standing at the top of the stairs that he fell down with the heart attack and feeling scared.

I believe that it took several years for me to completely comprehend his death. I believe that he is now with Christ and is watching over the loved ones he left behind.

I believe that God gave me that.

(There is a reason behind my rambling.)

That Sunday that I was sitting in Church with my smiling, perfect son, feeling as though myself I was in the depths of my despair, and then my grandfather appeared before me.

God reminded me that He was with me. That I had angels watching over me.

A tradition in our church is to buy a hymnal in memory of a loved one that has passed. My parents purchased a hymnal in memory of my grandfather shortly after he died.

I have never seen that hymnal. He has been gone for 17 years and never have I seen it.

My mother has a habit of checking the inside of every hymnal she comes in contact with looking to see if it is for one of our loved ones.

This Sunday as I was sitting in such a state of despair, my mother leaned over to check the hymnal in front of me and there my grandfather appeared in front of me.

17 years he has been gone.

17 years there has been a hymnal in our church dedicated to him.

17 years I have never seen it.

This day, a day when I needed God more than most he showed me that He was with me.

I don't believe in chances, this was a sign.

A sign on a day that I didn't know if I would make it.

I started crying the moment I saw his name. I have God watching over me, carrying me through each day.

I have at least one angel looking down on me and protecting me.

That gives me hope.

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles." (Psalm 34-17)