December 19, 2008

I've been thinking a lot about life and what purpose we each have.

Why we are given the trials that we are and what we have to do to overcome those trials.

I was used to being in control.

Scratch that.

I was used to the false sense of being in control that I formerly clung to.

But that sense of control I used to need was ripped from me recently.

It was drastically difficult for me.

And I liked to think I could control things (My clean house, my son's schedule, my husband's behavior...) by keeping such a tight grip on them that there was no way to go but my way.

It wasn't until recent circumstances prevented me from keeping my grip on things that I have really learned to lean on God and try to let go.

It isn't my grip on things that keeps my life chugging along so nicely.

In fact, it was at my own hands that the life was being drained from my own marriage.

It is God's grip on us, whether we choose to believe in Him or not, that is the only true grip.

My grip was just an illusion.

I am beginning to strive to speak nicely to him even when he is not doing the same.

I seek to respect him even if he is not acting respectable.

After all, I enjoy being loved even when I am unlovable.

And God always loves us even when we are unlovable.

What if marriage were meant to make us holy and not (simply) happy?

What if by striving to honor him even when he hasn't earned that from me, I then am able to be more like Jesus?

We get so much from God that we do not earn.

Submit is not a word that is in my everyday vocabulary and I know it can rub me the wrong way most of the time.

But I cannot deny that the Bible freely uses the word submit when referring to marriage.

Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord."

I won't get into how I feel about that.

God has gone from whispering in my ear and tapping me on my shoulder to gently shaking me with both hands and speaking directly in my face:

"Don't try to demand your way!"

Stop fabricating rules that everyone must follow before you'll let yourself be happy.

Just relax.

Just be.

Just serve me.

Another person can never make you ultimately happy, anyway.

Okay, God. If You say so.

I am surrendering my need to be fulfilled by another human being.

How do I feel about that?

Give me a few weeks.

Forsake myself and my desires, follow God.

Life is still most certainly not perfect.

I am not always happy.

But I am coming to learn that that is okay.

Some days more than others....

December 16, 2008

"The depth of sorrow has a way of changing the way you share your life"

your heart

your God.

"It makes you want to shout the name of Jesus because you realize that after all, in the very midst of it, He is real."

Sometimes I feel like I will never be out of my valley.

I know He is with me and carrying me each day.

But I sometimes have to try really hard to remember that.

I try so hard everyday to keep going, keep moving, keep living.

Sometimes it seems so hard to keep it up.

How much should you really have to struggle to get through each day?

Every time I feel like I have just a moment of hope, it is taken away.

He has changed me.

"He has used this season to show me an image of myself, kissing His feet while the tears slip to the ground."

It just gets so hard sometimes.

I am feeling very tired today.

I am trying to trust Him and remember that He has not abandoned me.

"If I believe in Him tonight, I will know what it feels like to trust completely in the One who holds me high above the discernible ground."

I will remember that it isn't always perfect, and it isn't always easy.

"It is entirely possible that something will give way and I will fall, head first into the ache that is this life."

"But on the other hand, I'll never know unless I jump."

Easier said then done...

I will remember this...

December 11, 2008

I have been feeling so confused these days.

I truly don't know what I feel, or how I feel about anything.

What a strange feeling.

I believe that life is full of peaks and valleys.

I am in a valley right now.

Sometimes when you are in a valley, you feel like you won't ever come out.

I feel so hopeless and don't feel like I have the strength to climb out again.

I do sometimes feel like God doesn't see me and doesn't know how weak I am.

I am told so often lately what a strong person I am.

I am so tired of hearing that.

I do not feel strong.

I feel like I am deceiving everyone around me by making them think that.

You see, I simply don't have a choice.

I want to scream to the world, to everyone around me,

"I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!!!"

Why doesn't anyone understand that?

Why doesn't anyone get it that I am not that strong, that everyday I break down.

I don't have a choice.

I have to pretend for my son, because he doesn't deserve any of this.

I don't want him to know that I am not ok.

Everyone else goes on with their lives like normal.

As much as they want to "be there" for me...they are not.

I am not strong, I do not feel strong.

I feel lost.

I feel sad.

I feel lonely.

I do not feel strong.

How does no one see that??

My valley is very low today.

I don't want to believe that God has left me cold and without comfort.

Just the night and silence.

I know that it isn't true, but I do feel like that sometimes.

I will pray for strength and courage like I always do.

I will remember that God is with me no matter what...He will carry me when I am to weak to carry myself.

Right now He carries me everyday...but no one else can see that.

December 9, 2008

I was trying to fill out part of my son's baby book the other day and realized that I could not remember the entire month of November.

The entire month...it is just a blur.

I don't think that is a good thing.

That everyday was so incrediably terrible that I had to block out the entire month.

That makes me angry.

I feel like I have now missed an entire month of my son's life because of everything that he is doing.

How weird to think back and truly not remember details though the pain.

"It doesn't mean as much if it doesn't hurt a little"

I've been thinking about that statement a lot.

What does that really mean?

Nothing in life is really worth it if it doesn't hurt??

That can't be right.

Giving birth to my son hurt a lot....and that meant more to me than anything.

Being away from my husband for 22 month deployment hurt a ton, but it was worth every moment and he finally made it home.

I don't know if I really understand that statement.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am and what really makes me happy.

I sometimes think I'm not sure anymore.

I think my emotions jump from one extreme to the other all day long.

That's very exhausting.

I feel tired a lot.

I wish I had more people to understand what I am going through.

I have wonderful friends and family, but they really don't understand.

I know they are there for me, but they don't get it.

It is so easy for them to just tell me to walk away and start over.

They don't have to start over...they don't know.

They are not the ones alone every night.

They don't have to take care of a child, dog, house, bills, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and work 40 hours/week....alone.

They don't have to do that by themselves.

I get scared at night sometimes.

I wish someone was there to help me not be afraid.

I try to turn to God in these moments of lonliness and fearfulness.

I fall asleep every night praying for the courage and strength to fall asleep and then make it through the next day.

It is hard to fall asleep.

It is hard to wake up.

My friends and family don't get that.

It makes me feel very alone.

Somedays are harder than others.

I'm still not sure what today is.

I miss MY family....

December 4, 2008

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34 17-18)

I am feeling like I am in a very confusing spot today.

I am not sure what I feel.

Do you ever get the feeling that the life you are living isn't quite yours??

That you are walking in someone else's shoes and looking from the outside in?

Maybe I just wish that was the case...

December 3, 2008

Yesterday, for a little while, I felt strong.

I've been thinking about what purposes God has for my life and why He is bringing me through this valley of darkness.

Perhaps there is a purpse.

Perhaps the purpose is far beyond my understanding.

Perhaps there is a bigger reason.

I feel like I need to believe that.

I don't know why I felt strong for a little while yesterday

Maybe God was carrying me.

Maybe I remembered the wonderful parts of my life.

My son.



I love my son than anything in this world.

But I still feel alone.

He told me yesterday that he feels nothing for me.

That hurts...a lot.

It hurts more than I can write in words.

What terrible words he says to me.

So why do I still hang on?

Why do I still wait for moments when he calls?

All he does is hurt me.

So why do I still hang on?

The truth is... I don't know.

I don't understand.

I feel very alone.

December 2, 2008

Yesterday was so hard.

After counseling he came and took some furniture out of the house to bring to his apartment.

It was so hard.

The entire time I saw him yesterday we fought about furniture.

How stupid to fight about furniture.

Why was it such a big deal to me?

Why did I fight so much about it?

I felt like he was leaving me behind....again.

I felt like he was just picking up his half of our lives and leaving with it.

I know it was just some stupid furniture, but if felt like more.

He didn't understand. He never understands these days.

I couldn't stop crying and he didn't even care. He never tried to understand.

He left because he can't stand to be around me.

He used to care when I was upset or angry. He used to be the person that helped make my world better.

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding when he stopped being that person.

When he stopped being on my side.

He just doesn't care.

I hate fighting with him.

I hate that we are in this cycle of hurting each other.

Why do we do that?

I am well aware of what I am doing, so why do I continue??

I feel like part of me is just trying to protect myself, protect my heart.

My heart is broken. But somehow it seems as though it might be better if he hurts more than I do.

That doesn't even make sense.

Why do I want the person I love to hurt??

I really don't, but I really want him to stop hurting me.

I am trying to be a better person.

Maybe this is my trial through God to making me that better person.

I get angry over stupid things.

I get jealous over things that don't matter.

I hold grudges when people hurt me.

Why?

Why do I waste my time and energy on these things??

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

Why does God bring trouble to our lives?

Perhaps there is a bigger purpose than I can see.

I can't see it at this time, and maybe I will never see it.

That doesn't mean it isn't there.

God has one request.

"Bring it to Him"

Everytime anger rises in your chest.
Everytime you feel like nobody hears you.
Everytime you think it isn't fair.
Everytime you think it isn't true.
Everytime you can't think at all.

"Bring it to Him and he will make an alter for your suffering."

December 1, 2008

"May you and all those you love be so fortunate to be surrounded by people who will hep you get untangled from the things that are binding you"

I am feeling very overwhelmed today.

Today I miss my old life.

I hate him for making me feel like nothing.

Nothing I do or say is ever right. He talks like he hates me.

I'm not sure what I did to make him hate me.

I'm not sure when he started to hate me.

I really do love him still.

I am stupid for loving him still.

I hate what he is doing to our son.

I hate that my son has a father that is like this.

Today I regret a lot of things.

I believe that God speaks to me in many ways. There are no chances or coincidences. Only God's work.

Does God want me to suffer?

No.

DO I wonder if he has turned his back on me?

He never would.

Do I wish it were different?

Yes.

Do I want him to be glorified more than I want things to change?

I want to honestly say "Yes, I think I do...But Lord this hurts."

"It takes a lot of rain to make the grass green."

I truly believe that we learn the most in difficult times and that we do come out as better people because of it. As humans we are not perfect. We make choices. Not all of them agree with God's ways.

God does not purposely bring suffering on us.

As imperfect humans we make choices. Goes does not want us to suffer but He is with us every step of the way.

He has chosen a path for me and the choices I have made have brought me here. Now I must trust in Him that He will not abandon me.

I have been given two paths to choose.

God is making me choose.

He will not choose for me.

But no matter what I choose He will continue to be on that path with me.

Yesterday I was asked if I still respect my husband.

I don't know. I honestly could not answer the question.

I was told when marriages go through such difficult times as these, men need to be asked if they still love their wives.

Women need to be asked if they still respect their husbands.

A woman will always continue to love...it is in their nature.

What hope is there when neither one of us can answer that question?

Not much.

I don't have much hope today.

I am praying to God.

I am hurting today and I pray that He will heal my brokenness.

The truth is, that I wish God had picked someone else.

Someone else to be strong and courageous and put their trust in Him.

I wish I could care about the meaningless things in life again.

I cannot believe how much this hurts.

I don't let people see how much it hurts. I feel like I suffer alone, a lot. I put my brave face on everyday and face the world. At night, when I am alone and my son is asleep is when I am not brave.

That is when I can break down.

That is when I can beg God to give me just a moment of peace.

Beg Him for strength and courage so that I can face the next day.

It is easier to let people feel the strength then it is to be in pieces, begging for mercy.

It is easier to talk of a healed relationship, than talk of it not being healed, Broken to much to be fixed.

It is easier to say that you feel God than it is to say that you don't.

November 25, 2008

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did"

"When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better"

"This will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you"

Our cell phone bill came yesterday.

I can see just how much of a relationship he had created with this girl.

It really hurts.

A deep, down in the depths of my soul hurt.

I feel very broken.

I am not sure how to survive each day.

Every minute of every day is so hard. Every second hurts.

I have to be ok, because what would happen to my son if I wasn't?

His father abandoned him. He chose another woman over him.

He chose another woman over me.

That hurts...a lot.

It hurts more than I can describe in words.

I hate him for doing this to me...to us.

I shouldn't hate.

Sometimes it is hard to see the future, see what is there. The future is scary.

I knew my future....I loved my future.

My future is gone.

I pretend all day long. I pretend to be ok. I pretend to be happy.

I pretend.

I can't pretend when night comes.

Night is when I am all alone.

I don't like to be alone.

I hate to be alone.

I hate not hearing "I love you" I miss the words.

I miss his smells, his sounds, his everything.

I used to be everything to him. Now I am nothing.

It is so hard to be nothing.

I remember my future and how happy it was.

I can't see my future right now.

That scares me...

November 24, 2008

"I see you. I see the sacrifices you make everyday, even when no one around you does. Nothing you do is to small for me to notice and smile over. Your are building a cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

God speaks to me in many ways.

I would like to believe that everything I do is for a reason and a purpose.

That my life still has a purpose and eventually I will be happy again.

I was told yesterday that I am wise beyond my years.That the strength and courage and logic I have is amazing.

When I talk about everything I feel strong. I can look from the outside and see a strong and brave woman.

But the truth is I am not. I do not feel it inside.

Inside I am deathly afraid and fearful. I am sad beyond words to describe it.

I am afraid of my future.

I am afraid of a lot right now.

I hate to be afraid.

I have to be strong. I don't have a choice.

I hate that I don't have a choice.

What do you do when you feel like you are standing at a crossroads in life and both paths are ones that you don't want to take?

I can't turn around.

How long can I stand still?

The spot I am standing on is hard and jagged. It hurts to stand in this spot.

The roads I have chose hurt too.

I see all the rocks and hills ahead.

I don't want either path.

I wish I could go back, back in time.

I wish he hadn't ruined it.

November 20, 2008

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10)

Yesterday I had a sign of hope.

I went to a woman's luncheon. It was a last minute decision that I really wasn't going to do. I really didn't have the time, but for some reason I did anyway.

Everything happens for a reason.

The speaker was suppose to be on balancing family and career.

I am struggling balancing my career and raising my son by myself, and dealing with my relationship turmoil.

She told a personal story.

She described her life 1 year ago.

She basically described my life today.

Young children, marriage on the rocks, talk of divorce, demanding job.

There is a reason for everything.

There is a reason I was there.

There is a reason I met this woman.

She is a newscaster on TV.

Everyday the world watches her.

They watched her, not knowing that her world was falling apart.

I feel like my world is falling apart. I hope that people can't look at me at see that.

She talked....I held back tears.

I talked with her afterwards, despite the fact that I knew my co-workers would wonder. I no longer care what others think. I just knew there was a reason.

I talked to her...told her the "short" version of my story.

I found someone who understood.

Who truly understood my pain, emptiness, longing, anger, sadness.

She understood how hard it is to force myself to face each day.

"My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" (Exodus 33:14)

I had rest, if only for a minute

I found someone who understood.

I needed someone who understood.

I made it through yesterday and for a moment I had a glimmer of hope because she was happy today.

Maybe I can be happy again too.

A moment can mean a lot.

November 1-20

I feel God's signs of his presence in my life everyday.

When I was in church a few weeks ago I remember holding my smiling, happy son in my arms as he flashed his gummy smile to every person he saw, cooing and babbling, all the while I was hiding behind him, fighting back tears of loneliness and sadness.



I hide those feelings as best I can because I have to be strong for my son.

He depends on me for everything and I am determined to give him everything two parents would give him...except I'm only one. Its hard to be only one.

My grandpa died 17 years ago.

I was 9 years old.

He was my favorite grandpa. My "funny" grandpa.

I had a hard time understand his death and the permanence of it at such a young age.

I remember feeling sad.

I remember being at my grandparents house and he wasn't there.

I remember everyone crying and how sad everyone was.

I remember not liking it.

I remember standing at the top of the stairs that he fell down with the heart attack and feeling scared.

I believe that it took several years for me to completely comprehend his death. I believe that he is now with Christ and is watching over the loved ones he left behind.

I believe that God gave me that.

(There is a reason behind my rambling.)

That Sunday that I was sitting in Church with my smiling, perfect son, feeling as though myself I was in the depths of my despair, and then my grandfather appeared before me.

God reminded me that He was with me. That I had angels watching over me.

A tradition in our church is to buy a hymnal in memory of a loved one that has passed. My parents purchased a hymnal in memory of my grandfather shortly after he died.

I have never seen that hymnal. He has been gone for 17 years and never have I seen it.

My mother has a habit of checking the inside of every hymnal she comes in contact with looking to see if it is for one of our loved ones.

This Sunday as I was sitting in such a state of despair, my mother leaned over to check the hymnal in front of me and there my grandfather appeared in front of me.

17 years he has been gone.

17 years there has been a hymnal in our church dedicated to him.

17 years I have never seen it.

This day, a day when I needed God more than most he showed me that He was with me.

I don't believe in chances, this was a sign.

A sign on a day that I didn't know if I would make it.

I started crying the moment I saw his name. I have God watching over me, carrying me through each day.

I have at least one angel looking down on me and protecting me.

That gives me hope.

"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles." (Psalm 34-17)

Starting from the beginning....October 19-31, 2008

I have been dealing with a lot lately. More than I feel like I can really handle. My husband has decided that he can no longer be part of a family and has left me and my 6 month old son. He's not sure he wants to come back. He has been doing many things that have betrayed our marriage. I'm not sure what to do next. I have starting journaling and decided that it is easier to do this online and type then write it down. I would like to believe that the suffering I am going through right now has a purpose. I don't know what that purpose is right now, but I trust God that I will someday. For now I will write. I will be ok.

These are my previous journal entries....starting from October 2008

I don't know if I have ever felt so lonely in my entire life. I have so much that has been left to sit on my shoulders and I can feel the weight bearing down more and more each day. Everyday is so hard. I regret where my life is right now. I don't even know if that is the right word.
I want my family back.

I want my life back.

I want my happiness back.

I don't have a clue how to get there.

I have been reading different things, looking for ways to give myself strength. I feel like all my own strength is gone. Each day I have to find something to get me through that day.I don't know yet how I'll make it through today.
I can't even begin to think of tomorrow.

Patience- "the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the case of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with long-term difficulties."

"especially when faced with long-term difficulties."
If that doesn't describe my life right now I don't know what does. I feel like I've never been an extremely patient person. The saying "time heals all pain" is bullshit.

I am impatient to have my husband back.

I am impatient to have my family back.

I am impatient waiting to be happy again.

I am impatient for my son's future.

"Count your blessings, not your troubles"

I am healthy

I have wonderful friends

I have an incredible family

I have the best son in the entire world.




But what about the rest? What about my own pure happiness and my life as a wife?

I want someone to be there to protect me, hold me, be with me.

"But the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,and self control." (Galatians 5:22)

"For when you faith is tested, your endurance (patience) has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything" (James 1: 3-4)

Do you know what the verse before that says?

"Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy"

Really?

Serious?

How can you be joyous when trouble is in your life? I am anything but joyous right now.

I am worried, fearful, angry, uncertain, scared, sad....

"All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith"

Am I fearful now because I have not identified with God?

Aren't those who are really identified with Him never fearful?

I am fearful.


I am really struggling with patience.
I want to snap my fingers and have my life back again, my son's life, and my husband's life.

I am having a hard time waiting for my life to come back to me.

I am trying to trust God, seek God, find God.
I am trying to lay my burdens on his shoulders....God has told me...

"I am wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him... For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow."

Is that an answer from God?

"My dear child,
I too have watched my son suffer, I know that pain. But just as the purpose of his death was fulfilled so will My purpose be fulfilled with you. I will never leave you. Rest in me, let me carry your load. Trust in my plan and understand that my love for you is greater than you could ever know"

That gives me strength...maybe a little hope.

Is God giving me a glimpse into understanding his purposes?

Is this how I have to learn patience?

Couldn't I learn patience another way?

Probably.

But would it be meaningful enough to change me?

Probably not.

God uses the things most precious to us for good.
I don't know anything more precious to me than my husband and son.

I feel as though He is using him to break me.

He is bringing me to a place of complete and utter dependence on Him.

Do I still struggle?

Every second.

Have I completely given myself over to depending on Him?

I'm not sure.

"God, I love You and I need You."

I hear God's voice in many ways, shapes and forms. I hear him telling me to lay it at his feet.

Everyone goes through challenges everyday that test patience. We're given a choice.

We can ask a million questions...

"Why me?"

"Why doesn't everything go my way?"

"Why did I deserve this?"

"Why don't I deserve everything?"

I find myself asking "why?" a lot these days.

I know that is wrong.

I remind myself to say...

"You know what God? I don't understand why You're bringing me through this, but I will trust in Your plan. I know there is a purpose and that is to strengthen my faith, bring me closer to You"

Isn't that what I want?

Do I have to sacrifice my family and my husband for that?

It's tough to really learn a lesson the easy way. The hard things in life really are what teaches us the most.

It would be hard to learn a lesson of endurance if everything fell easily into place.

How would I learn to lean on God unless I was so weak I couldn't stand on my own?

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astound. They will put their trust in the Lord" (Psalm 40;1-4)