December 9, 2008

I was trying to fill out part of my son's baby book the other day and realized that I could not remember the entire month of November.

The entire month...it is just a blur.

I don't think that is a good thing.

That everyday was so incrediably terrible that I had to block out the entire month.

That makes me angry.

I feel like I have now missed an entire month of my son's life because of everything that he is doing.

How weird to think back and truly not remember details though the pain.

"It doesn't mean as much if it doesn't hurt a little"

I've been thinking about that statement a lot.

What does that really mean?

Nothing in life is really worth it if it doesn't hurt??

That can't be right.

Giving birth to my son hurt a lot....and that meant more to me than anything.

Being away from my husband for 22 month deployment hurt a ton, but it was worth every moment and he finally made it home.

I don't know if I really understand that statement.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am and what really makes me happy.

I sometimes think I'm not sure anymore.

I think my emotions jump from one extreme to the other all day long.

That's very exhausting.

I feel tired a lot.

I wish I had more people to understand what I am going through.

I have wonderful friends and family, but they really don't understand.

I know they are there for me, but they don't get it.

It is so easy for them to just tell me to walk away and start over.

They don't have to start over...they don't know.

They are not the ones alone every night.

They don't have to take care of a child, dog, house, bills, laundry, cleaning, cooking, and work 40 hours/week....alone.

They don't have to do that by themselves.

I get scared at night sometimes.

I wish someone was there to help me not be afraid.

I try to turn to God in these moments of lonliness and fearfulness.

I fall asleep every night praying for the courage and strength to fall asleep and then make it through the next day.

It is hard to fall asleep.

It is hard to wake up.

My friends and family don't get that.

It makes me feel very alone.

Somedays are harder than others.

I'm still not sure what today is.

I miss MY family....