Starting from the beginning....October 19-31, 2008

I have been dealing with a lot lately. More than I feel like I can really handle. My husband has decided that he can no longer be part of a family and has left me and my 6 month old son. He's not sure he wants to come back. He has been doing many things that have betrayed our marriage. I'm not sure what to do next. I have starting journaling and decided that it is easier to do this online and type then write it down. I would like to believe that the suffering I am going through right now has a purpose. I don't know what that purpose is right now, but I trust God that I will someday. For now I will write. I will be ok.

These are my previous journal entries....starting from October 2008

I don't know if I have ever felt so lonely in my entire life. I have so much that has been left to sit on my shoulders and I can feel the weight bearing down more and more each day. Everyday is so hard. I regret where my life is right now. I don't even know if that is the right word.
I want my family back.

I want my life back.

I want my happiness back.

I don't have a clue how to get there.

I have been reading different things, looking for ways to give myself strength. I feel like all my own strength is gone. Each day I have to find something to get me through that day.I don't know yet how I'll make it through today.
I can't even begin to think of tomorrow.

Patience- "the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the case of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with long-term difficulties."

"especially when faced with long-term difficulties."
If that doesn't describe my life right now I don't know what does. I feel like I've never been an extremely patient person. The saying "time heals all pain" is bullshit.

I am impatient to have my husband back.

I am impatient to have my family back.

I am impatient waiting to be happy again.

I am impatient for my son's future.

"Count your blessings, not your troubles"

I am healthy

I have wonderful friends

I have an incredible family

I have the best son in the entire world.




But what about the rest? What about my own pure happiness and my life as a wife?

I want someone to be there to protect me, hold me, be with me.

"But the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,and self control." (Galatians 5:22)

"For when you faith is tested, your endurance (patience) has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything" (James 1: 3-4)

Do you know what the verse before that says?

"Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy"

Really?

Serious?

How can you be joyous when trouble is in your life? I am anything but joyous right now.

I am worried, fearful, angry, uncertain, scared, sad....

"All our fears are wicked, and we fear because we will not nourish ourselves in our faith"

Am I fearful now because I have not identified with God?

Aren't those who are really identified with Him never fearful?

I am fearful.


I am really struggling with patience.
I want to snap my fingers and have my life back again, my son's life, and my husband's life.

I am having a hard time waiting for my life to come back to me.

I am trying to trust God, seek God, find God.
I am trying to lay my burdens on his shoulders....God has told me...

"I am wonderfully good to those who wait for Him and seek Him... For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow."

Is that an answer from God?

"My dear child,
I too have watched my son suffer, I know that pain. But just as the purpose of his death was fulfilled so will My purpose be fulfilled with you. I will never leave you. Rest in me, let me carry your load. Trust in my plan and understand that my love for you is greater than you could ever know"

That gives me strength...maybe a little hope.

Is God giving me a glimpse into understanding his purposes?

Is this how I have to learn patience?

Couldn't I learn patience another way?

Probably.

But would it be meaningful enough to change me?

Probably not.

God uses the things most precious to us for good.
I don't know anything more precious to me than my husband and son.

I feel as though He is using him to break me.

He is bringing me to a place of complete and utter dependence on Him.

Do I still struggle?

Every second.

Have I completely given myself over to depending on Him?

I'm not sure.

"God, I love You and I need You."

I hear God's voice in many ways, shapes and forms. I hear him telling me to lay it at his feet.

Everyone goes through challenges everyday that test patience. We're given a choice.

We can ask a million questions...

"Why me?"

"Why doesn't everything go my way?"

"Why did I deserve this?"

"Why don't I deserve everything?"

I find myself asking "why?" a lot these days.

I know that is wrong.

I remind myself to say...

"You know what God? I don't understand why You're bringing me through this, but I will trust in Your plan. I know there is a purpose and that is to strengthen my faith, bring me closer to You"

Isn't that what I want?

Do I have to sacrifice my family and my husband for that?

It's tough to really learn a lesson the easy way. The hard things in life really are what teaches us the most.

It would be hard to learn a lesson of endurance if everything fell easily into place.

How would I learn to lean on God unless I was so weak I couldn't stand on my own?

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be astound. They will put their trust in the Lord" (Psalm 40;1-4)