December 1, 2008

"May you and all those you love be so fortunate to be surrounded by people who will hep you get untangled from the things that are binding you"

I am feeling very overwhelmed today.

Today I miss my old life.

I hate him for making me feel like nothing.

Nothing I do or say is ever right. He talks like he hates me.

I'm not sure what I did to make him hate me.

I'm not sure when he started to hate me.

I really do love him still.

I am stupid for loving him still.

I hate what he is doing to our son.

I hate that my son has a father that is like this.

Today I regret a lot of things.

I believe that God speaks to me in many ways. There are no chances or coincidences. Only God's work.

Does God want me to suffer?

No.

DO I wonder if he has turned his back on me?

He never would.

Do I wish it were different?

Yes.

Do I want him to be glorified more than I want things to change?

I want to honestly say "Yes, I think I do...But Lord this hurts."

"It takes a lot of rain to make the grass green."

I truly believe that we learn the most in difficult times and that we do come out as better people because of it. As humans we are not perfect. We make choices. Not all of them agree with God's ways.

God does not purposely bring suffering on us.

As imperfect humans we make choices. Goes does not want us to suffer but He is with us every step of the way.

He has chosen a path for me and the choices I have made have brought me here. Now I must trust in Him that He will not abandon me.

I have been given two paths to choose.

God is making me choose.

He will not choose for me.

But no matter what I choose He will continue to be on that path with me.

Yesterday I was asked if I still respect my husband.

I don't know. I honestly could not answer the question.

I was told when marriages go through such difficult times as these, men need to be asked if they still love their wives.

Women need to be asked if they still respect their husbands.

A woman will always continue to love...it is in their nature.

What hope is there when neither one of us can answer that question?

Not much.

I don't have much hope today.

I am praying to God.

I am hurting today and I pray that He will heal my brokenness.

The truth is, that I wish God had picked someone else.

Someone else to be strong and courageous and put their trust in Him.

I wish I could care about the meaningless things in life again.

I cannot believe how much this hurts.

I don't let people see how much it hurts. I feel like I suffer alone, a lot. I put my brave face on everyday and face the world. At night, when I am alone and my son is asleep is when I am not brave.

That is when I can break down.

That is when I can beg God to give me just a moment of peace.

Beg Him for strength and courage so that I can face the next day.

It is easier to let people feel the strength then it is to be in pieces, begging for mercy.

It is easier to talk of a healed relationship, than talk of it not being healed, Broken to much to be fixed.

It is easier to say that you feel God than it is to say that you don't.