January 9, 2009

I don't really know where to start today.

I am feeling a lot of things

But I am not exactly sure what any of those are.

I think I have forgotten to think about me.

The things that I need, I want.

Last night I took some time and just focused on me.

I can't remember the last time I did that.

It is always about him.

It is always about my son.

Somewhere I lost myself.

I am exhausted always trying to be the best for everyone else.

I am exhausted trying to find myself again.

Is there a first step for me in this process?

Yes.

Start with myself.

Forgive myself first.

Mostly we all do the best we can with what we've got in any given moment....

I need to learn to accept that and forgive myself.

Even if my best didn't quite make the cut.

Truth is, I am not who I was...

I am forever changed by time and events.

My self esteem.

My self worth.

I need to forgive myself and be happy with who I am.

No matter the past.

No matter what happens.

Will time really blur the images in my head?

Will I ever be able to truly forgive?

Will I ever forget?

Will I ever love unconditionally again?

Will I ever stop questioning?

I don't have answers to my questions.

January 5, 2009

I have never in my life been so angry.

I feel the anger building up inside me and I'm not postive that I can control it.

That scares me so much.

I feel the need to scream almost every second of the day.

Scream at him.

Scream at her.

Scream at all of my so called "friends"

Every single person that watched me look like a fool.

I am so angry.

I can't even process any other thoughts today.

I can't process anything else.

I have no idea how to stop being so angry.

What scares me most is I'm not sure I can.

January 2, 2009

Sometimes I think that the only thing we can truly rely on is God.

My New Year's was not brought in celebrating like I should.

I'm not sure what step I am suppose to take next.

I am afraid...

very afraid.

I wonder if things are even possible and that scares me.

"All things are possible if you believe" (Mark 9:23)

Do you think that is really true?

If it is God's words it has to be true.

I'm not sure of much these days.

I don't know what I want....so don't ask me

I'm still trying to figure it out.

Trying to see through the rain.

Is life really suppose to be this hard?

God never promised an easy road.

He promised to be there with us on that road.

Last night I pretended for just a little while that everything was fine.

I forgot all the thoughts

All the anger

All the hurt

And I just let him hold me.

I miss that so much.

Eventually I had to wake up

I had to face the reality of the world

Of my life

But for just a little while I forgot

That was nice.

Unfortantly reality always comes back.