December 11, 2008

I have been feeling so confused these days.

I truly don't know what I feel, or how I feel about anything.

What a strange feeling.

I believe that life is full of peaks and valleys.

I am in a valley right now.

Sometimes when you are in a valley, you feel like you won't ever come out.

I feel so hopeless and don't feel like I have the strength to climb out again.

I do sometimes feel like God doesn't see me and doesn't know how weak I am.

I am told so often lately what a strong person I am.

I am so tired of hearing that.

I do not feel strong.

I feel like I am deceiving everyone around me by making them think that.

You see, I simply don't have a choice.

I want to scream to the world, to everyone around me,

"I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE!!!"

Why doesn't anyone understand that?

Why doesn't anyone get it that I am not that strong, that everyday I break down.

I don't have a choice.

I have to pretend for my son, because he doesn't deserve any of this.

I don't want him to know that I am not ok.

Everyone else goes on with their lives like normal.

As much as they want to "be there" for me...they are not.

I am not strong, I do not feel strong.

I feel lost.

I feel sad.

I feel lonely.

I do not feel strong.

How does no one see that??

My valley is very low today.

I don't want to believe that God has left me cold and without comfort.

Just the night and silence.

I know that it isn't true, but I do feel like that sometimes.

I will pray for strength and courage like I always do.

I will remember that God is with me no matter what...He will carry me when I am to weak to carry myself.

Right now He carries me everyday...but no one else can see that.