January 9, 2009

I don't really know where to start today.

I am feeling a lot of things

But I am not exactly sure what any of those are.

I think I have forgotten to think about me.

The things that I need, I want.

Last night I took some time and just focused on me.

I can't remember the last time I did that.

It is always about him.

It is always about my son.

Somewhere I lost myself.

I am exhausted always trying to be the best for everyone else.

I am exhausted trying to find myself again.

Is there a first step for me in this process?

Yes.

Start with myself.

Forgive myself first.

Mostly we all do the best we can with what we've got in any given moment....

I need to learn to accept that and forgive myself.

Even if my best didn't quite make the cut.

Truth is, I am not who I was...

I am forever changed by time and events.

My self esteem.

My self worth.

I need to forgive myself and be happy with who I am.

No matter the past.

No matter what happens.

Will time really blur the images in my head?

Will I ever be able to truly forgive?

Will I ever forget?

Will I ever love unconditionally again?

Will I ever stop questioning?

I don't have answers to my questions.